When it comes time for an automobile manufacturer to name a new model, there are a few sets of names from which to choose. Some models are named after animals. Some are named with macho-sounding sequences of consonants and numbers. And some are named after positive human qualities. I have a theory about the last group that I’ve been scientifically developing while driving around the bay area. Simply put, the people who purchase a car named after such a trait do not possess the trait themselves. This explains the Acura Vigor whose driver can barely accelerate through an intersection when the light turns green. This explains the Dodge Intrepid that is paralyzed with fear at the prospect of merging onto the freeway and so attempts it at 35 mph. This explains the Ford Explorer that never ventures further than the local grocery store. And this explains the Lincoln Navigator that is making his third U-turn because he’s missed his exit once again.

I think that the manufacturers should take advantage of this phenomenon to make a series of cars for very targeted (but lucrative) markets. They are a little less subtle than the examples given above, so they should make quite an impact.

For the elderly…

For the overweight…

For the bald…

For just about everybody…