THE HOUSEBOAT

Back in September, the gang did the annual houseboat trip. For the second year running, we went to Lake Don Pedro. It’s smaller than Shasta, but it’s closer, and it’s quite a bit warmer, which is important if you’re renting the boat after Labor Day. The biggest and best houseboats on the lake come from Moccasin Point Marina, and the biggest and best houseboat at Moccasin Point is the 70′ Millennium Deluxe Houseboat. Four private bedrooms, 2 full baths, and a hot tub that seats six. Woo hoo.

Underway, on the flying bridge

The interior, complete with that “lived in” look

Naturally, all houseboats must come equipped with a slide

Here’s a 360 degree view of the upper deck that was stitched together from a bunch of still shots. Thanks, Jack!

THE ACTIVITIES

Other people might use a houseboat as a platform from which to swim, sail, jet ski, or waterski. We use the houseboat as a platform from which to float on innertubes and drink beer. Over the years, we’ve had a chance to perfect our technique. There have been three landmark improvements over the years:

1. Enough floatation devices. At some point, everybody’s going to want to be in the water at the same time, and nobody’s going to want to have to tread water. In addition to involving exercise, which nobody wants, treading water makes it infernally difficult to keep your beer above water.

2. The Inflatable Beer Cooler. You’re basking in the sunshine, floating gently on the surface of the lake, and suddenly disaster strikes… YOU FINISH YOUR BOTTLE OF BEER. You have only two choices, and neither are palatable. You can stay out on the water and slowly perish of thirst. Or you can make the arduous paddling journey back to the houseboat for a refill. (Remember, exercise is bad.) To the rescue comes…

THE INFLATABLE BEER COOLER

The cooler contains ice, Coronas, and those critical pre-prepared slices of lime. It comes equipped with a bottle opener, and has a zippable lid for maximum beer security. Once it’s tied securely to one of the innertubes, houseboaters at leisure no longer need worry about the frequent trips up to the houseboat for refills.

3. The Beer Transport System. The inflatable beer cooler has a tragic flaw. If you drift away from the appointed Guardian of the Cooler, you may need to exert yourself in order to get to the cooler for a refill. Then we’re right back to exercise again (darn it!). We put our best engineering minds on the problem, and devised an elegant and powerful solution. Presenting…

THE BEER TRANSPORT SYSTEM®

Combine a radio controlled boat, a pool drink caddy, a tidy bit of rope, and a healthy dose of MacGyver, and you can build a nuclear reactor. But if you don’t have a MacGyver handy, you can create a Beer Transport System®. Two sober and responsible houseboaters are selected for beer transport duty. (If there are no sober and responsible houseboaters, two ordinary ones will do.) One of them takes the traditional role of the Guardian of the Cooler. One of them takes on a new role, the Guardian of the Remote Control. For some reason, this role is almost always undertaken by someone of the male persuasion.

When somebody is empty, the machine chugs into motion. The beer transport system is carefully (soberly, responsibly) driven to the inflatable beer cooler. The Guardian of the Cooler fills the cup holders in the beer trailer with an appropriate number of frosty beverages, taking care to balance the weight as much as possible. Lime wedges can be placed in one of the empty spots. The beer bottles fit snugly in the cup holders, thus ensuring no losses in the event of a major Beer Transport System Calamity. The lime wedges are not as secure, but they are only lime wedges, and thus are expendable.

The loaded beer transport system is then carefully (soberly, responsibly) driven to the empty beer victim. Depending on the victim’s position in the water, this may involve driving the beer transport system very quickly towards the victim’s head, which is the source of great entertainment to the Guardian of the Remote Control. The empty beer victim puts her empty bottle into an empty cup holder, takes a fresh one, opens it with the attached bottle opener, and carefully inserts a lime wedge. Disaster is averted, and nobody had to exert themselves in any way.

Here’s a very brief, but very effective movie that should give you a better idea of the process.

THE MISHAP

Previous houseboat trips have involved small mishaps. Propellers have been broken. The boat has gone adrift more times than I can count. One particular incident culminated in all of the houseboaters jumping up and down in unison at the back of the boat in an attempt to free the boat from the shore where it was wedged like a beached whale (no, it didn’t work). This year, the most notable incident was a simple slip in the mud.

On Lake Don Pedro, you don’t anchor the boat, but simply tie it off to stakes that are driven into the ground. Making landfall can be tricky, as there’s a lot of mud at the waterline. Thus, the slip in the mud was funny (naturally), but not really noteworthy. Until somebody pointed out the forensic evidence that was left behind…

If you study the picture, you can see exactly what happened. When the victim landed, both feet slid forward, and he landed flat on his back. His right hand was wrapped around the handle of a mallet (used for hammering stakes into the ground), and he didn’t react quickly enough to release it. He was wearing shorts with an elastic waistband and a T-shirt. And it’s all right there in the picture. See?