Apparently, Takara’s dog translation device is coming to the U.S. in August (after being helpfully translated from Japanese to English). The device incorporates a wireless microphone that attaches to a dog collar and a handheld that interprets each “woof, yip, or whine” into one of six emotional states: happiness, sadness, frustration, anger, assertion and desire. The emotional states are then turned into helpful phrases like “You’re ticking me off”.

Personally, I’d like to see this idea expanded upon. First, it seems like certain dog breeds really require custom devices. These custom devices would enable the use of a different phrase selection to represent the accurate range of emotional states of the breed. It would also make it possible to use cast an appropriate voice actor.

Cocker Spaniel
Emotional states: excited happiness, excited desire, and sleep. Extra processing might be required to differentiate between the two conscious emotional states, represented by the phrases “OhMyGoshI’mSoExcitedBecauseYouWereGoneForFiveMinutesButNowYouAreBackSoI’mGoingToPeeOnTheCarpet!!!” and “OhMyGoshI’mSoExcitedBecauseYouMightGiveMeSomeOfThatJerkySoI’mGoingToPeeOnTheCarpet!!!”

Rottweiler
Emotional states: all of the usual plus “hungry for the taste of human flesh”. This last state should have representative phrases like “Wanna see if I can make it scream like a little girl?” and “Don’t worry, boss, I’ll be sure to drag it outside before it gets too much blood on the carpet.”

Tokara claims they don’t have any plans to manufacture a device for cats or other pets, but I think this is a missed opportunity.

Cat
Emotional states: Disdain and pique. Phrases could include “I hate you”, “Go away”, “Keep rubbing, you worthless human slave”, “Feed me, you worthless human slave”

Fish
Emotional states: Wet. There aren’t many phrases that spring to mind, but I think “Mmm. Food” and “I’m swimming” seem appropriate.

This one is listed under the Nuclear Blast section. It’s supposed to indicate that you should have an evacuation plan. But those white lines look like streets. So this image seems to suggest that you should have a plan to escape a nuclear blast that happens about half a block away. A nuclear blast. Half a block away. Nuclear. Blast. Block.


This graphic is salvagable with just a little careful editing.
“LOCATION OF BLAST” should be changed to “LOCATION OF BLAST”
“You are here” should be changed to “You are here”
“POSSIBLE ESCAPE ROUTE” should be changed to “KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE”

OH MY GOD, THEY HIT THE SHINER BREWERY!!!

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has published a web site full of instructions for how to Be Ready for any manner of terrorist attacks. The instructions are illustrated with the same sort of images you might see in a plane emergency card… take for example this icon used in the First Aid Kit section:

The first aid kit example is pretty clear. Others are less so. In response, one thoughtful individual has taken it upon himself to attach some appropriate captions to some of the more ambiguous images found on the site. As a sort of public service. In the interest of education. Really.

(Thanks to Susan for sending this my way.)

Actual headline from ABCNews.com’s NewsFlash page… Suicide Attack Kills Bomber

The ABCNews.com article Ancient Human Footprints Found at Volcano lists an alternative headline: Ancient Human Footprints Reveal Traces of Short People in a Hurry.

My ancestors, from the sound of it.

Actual betting opportunity found on BETonSPORTS.com:
What will Saddams fate be by 06/30/03?
He will still be the president of Iraq(mantain control of Baghdad) +300
He will be a US Prisoner +175
He will be dead EV
He will be MIA +150
He will be a political exile +300
He will be Smoking Cubans with buddy boy Muammar Qadhafi +500
He will travel to Calcutta and take up Mother Theresa’s Torch +15000
He will Join the Backstreet Boys and tour with Elton John +15000
Violent Aliens will arrive on earth and claim him as a citizen of planet Zerg +15000

(For those of you not in the know, a positive number indicates the amount you would win if you bet $100 and a negative number indicates the amount you would have to bet in order to win $100. I had to look it up. I still have the provincial view that odds should be expressed as a ratio. Silly me.)

My money’s on the Zergians. Other lines allow you to bet on whether or not Elvis is alive, who the next Pope will be, and whether the U.S. Embassy in Pakistan will be subject to a terrorist attack within the next year.

Lower Back Pain a Familiar Ache
Dr. Joel Press is quoted as saying the following: “The majority of back problems will be resolved with some simple treatments, or, in some cases, more advanced treatments.”

To be fair, this sentence would make sense if the point were that the majority of back problems would, in fact, be resolved. Unfortunately, I don’t think that was the intent of the statement…

The Horror of Blimps.

Link stolen shamelessly off of Greg Morrow’s blog, who stole it off of someone else’s blog, who stole it off of someone else’s blog, and so on, and so on. What can I say, it’s so funny it made me cry.